When Your Child Speaks, Listen

“When a child tells you something, listen as though it’s the most important thing in the world, because to them, it is.”  Unknown 

If I had to choose one thing that separates my parenting style from the way I was raised (frankly, there are many) it would be this:

I listen to my children. 

When my boys are experiencing negative emotions, I try my best to understand why. I don’t minimize how sad, frustrated, worried, overwhelmed or angry they feel, no matter how small the problem seems from my adult perspective. If they ask, I try to help them come up with a solution, but if they tell me it won’t work I don’t take it personally because I trust they know their school culture or friendships or bodies better than I do. If there’s no neat and tidy solution to be found--which is often the case in life--I soothe them through cuddles, deep breathing and Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) techniques to help regulate their emotions. Basically, I recognize that their feelings are as real and valid as my own, and I hold space for them to express themselves.

Even if I’m tired. Even if I’m stressed. Even if I’m dealing with my own emotional shit. Even if it’s after bedtime.

This might seem quite intuitive, but it is a quantuam leap over how I--and so many others of my generation and those that preceded mine--were brought up. My parenting style is the antithesis of a common phrase I heard when I was young: “children are seen and not heard.” To be fair to my parents, I probably had more of a voice in my house growing up than they did in theirs, but just because I was allowed to express my opinions doesn’t mean they were taken into serious consideration. At the end of the day, the decision was theirs and I was to live with it, no matter how unfair or muddy the circumstances. 

Just so we’re clear: I am not a perfect parent by any stretch. I’m disorganized. I’m usually late. I rarely cook. I’m not crafty. I lose my cool and swear too often and easily. My kids spend a lot of time on screens. 

When they come to me with something weighing on their heart or mind, though, I am all theirs. I can only hope that makes up for all my shortcomings.