This Little Light of Mine

Five years ago today, my younger son Charlie entered this world —and life as I knew it shattered. The trauma of his birth made previously manageable levels of anxiety unbearable and uncovered previously repressed traumas. I had been seeing a therapist for “postpartum depression” (aka undiagnosed bipolar 2 disorder) since Ben was born, but after Charlie’s birth I entered the frighteningly imprecise world of prescription mental health care. There were many missteps, and in 2017 I came close to losing my battle with suicidal ideation. Every time a terrifying thought of self harm entered my head though, I pictured my boys. Tonight, on this snowy day that ruined everything except this little boy’s smile, the irony that he ruined AND saved my life is not lost on me. I wouldn’t hesitate for even a second to go through it all again because this smart, funny, gregarious, silly, sweet and empathetic soul is *that* delightful. I’ll end this sap fest with a touch of his humor. As I wrote this, tears streaming down my cheeks he said “mommy, are you ok?” “Yes baby, I’m ok. Believe it or not, I’m happy.” “Oh ok. So you’re *too* happy??” 🤣❤️ Not too happy, my love. Exactly the right amount.

Kathleen SchwarzComment